SQUEEZED

The Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

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I’m honestly a little annoyed that I’ve spent so much of my life focused on fitting in.

But I’m even more annoyed that fitting in has become a destructive standard, and a real detriment to a sense of belonging for so many people.

Especially women.

It isn’t really our fault.

Most of us were taught that being accepted required us to soften important opinions and to smile, even when we wanted to cry.

We learned to carry more than our share, not because we were kind- we are- but because we wanted to make ourselves easy to love.

If we could anticipate what others needed, as we were smoothing out what we thought were unpopular wrinkles, maybe no one else would notice them.

So it would make sense that somewhere along the way, many of us became experts at belonging everywhere except within ourselves.

I know I did.

I can’t possibly be the only one who thought belonging meant finding the right people.

Now I know better.

I know it begins somewhere much quieter than that.

Maybe belonging begins in the moments that we stop wandering away from ourselves just to make other people comfortable.

There’s a quiet grief that comes with realizing how much of yourself you’ve left behind over the years.

Not always because you were pretending; sometimes you were actually surviving.

Other times maybe you were raising children, building a career, tending your marriage, caring for your parents, holding relationships together, and doing the thousands of invisible things the majority of women have always done.

I’m proud of the support that I offered, and still continue to offer.

There is no shame in being a caring person.

But there does come a season when something inside of us begins to whisper,

Louder and louder, saying things like “I think I’d like to see a bit more of life now.”

I’ve come to believe that this is one of the sacred invitations of becoming an elder.

Not to be confused with thinking you know everything.

But to become increasingly unwilling to trade your authenticity for approval.

Uniformity asks us to blend in, and it quietly rewards sameness.

It suggests that if we’re agreeable enough, attractive enough, selfless enough, that we’ll finally feel secure.

But I just don’t see it delivering on what it promises.

Belonging is something different altogether, and doesn’t ask you to become any less of yourself.

If anything, it invites you to become more fully yourself.

You get to arrive at the door of belonging carrying your authentic joy and your grief…wearing a backpack of certainty, questions, wisdom, and weariness, while pulling a jenky wagon full of old scars and a donkey-like laugh.

I think that the healthiest communities aren’t the ones where everyone agrees on everything.

They’re the ones where a woman who is obviously trying, and not intent on bringing hate or harm, can say, “I’ve changed my mind.” or “I’m struggling with this”, and instead of giving her instructions to fix herself, someone simply scoots over and says,

“It’s okay. You’re good here. Take a minute.”

That kind of belonging still seems rare.

But I believe it’s worth creating.

As I’ve watched more and more women arrive at this threshold, I’ve realized something that continues to break my heart: we are living through a time when so many women are hungry for genuine connection, yet have almost forgotten what it feels like to be deeply known.

That’s why much of my work is focused on creating spaces where belonging isn’t left to chance, or to someone else.

These are spaces where women can arrive just as they are, practice telling the truth, and slowly begin weaving small ecosystems of belonging- first within themselves, then with one another, and eventually within the communities they’re called to nurture beyond our time together.

Anyone who knows a bit about me and my background knows why this work has become so important to me.

It’s not because I think women need another place to perform being “healed.”

It’s because I do think that we ALL need more places where we can exhale, and not feel like anyone is ranking our value or worthiness to exist, create, or belong.

Something that I recently shared with my daughter is that if there’s anything I’d want my younger self to know, it’s this:

You don’t have to become someone else to find your people.

The women who are meant for you won’t ask you to become less of anything to make them feel more like something.

There won’t be a need to explain a new ambition, your intuition, your curiosity for life, or the woman you’re becoming.

The women who are meant for you will simply make room.

And maybe that’s what intentional belonging has always been.

Not finding a place where you fit, but creating spaces where women no longer have to turn sideways and suck in parts of themselves in order to be loved.

I don’t know about you, but that feels like a beautiful way to grow older.

Together.

I know there are women right now, quietly longing for deeper conversations, more meaningful friendships, or simply a place where they don’t have to explain themselves- if that’s you, you’re not the only one.

This is the very reason I created Modern Female Elders: Forging Intentional Belonging.

Although this gathering was born from my passion for women over fifty navigating what feels like an often overlooked second half of life, women of every age are warmly welcome. The longing to be deeply known doesn’t begin on a specific birthday. It just becomes harder to ignore.

Over three weeks, we’ll gather in conversation, reflection, and shared experience to explore what it means to belong first to ourselves, and then to one another. Together, we’ll gently untangle the habits of fitting in, practice the courage of showing up more honestly, and begin cultivating the kinds of relationships that nourish us rather than deplete us.

I believe the world needs more women who know and trust themselves.

I want my daughter and granddaughter to live in a world where women hold the door open for other women.

This is how cultures begin to change.

Not through marketing slogans, but through small ecosystems of real belonging that we intentionally forge together.

Whether it’s around kitchen tables, on walking paths, in circles of conversation and book groups, we are capable of forging real communities where no one is asked to leave pieces of herself outside the door.

If your heart whispered yes somewhere along the way, I’d be honored to welcome you.

Perhaps this is where you become an active part of creating the ecosystem.

Kyra🪶

Writer | Way-Shower | Weaver of Belonging